I wish I was going to proceed with a story about a snake or rat that had found its way inside my house. Well, you could say a snake or a rat found its way inside my house…though with our help and invitation.
A friend of my husband’s flew in last night from out of town to finish his divorce proceedings. He had asked us a while ago if he could stay with us the whole time he was here, but our house is not very guest friendly…unless you love sleeping on the couch. I told hubby that I didn’t think it was a good idea mostly because I. Can’t. Stand. this guy. I don’t say that about many people, but with him, no holds barred on my dislike. So he ended up saying he got a hotel, but accidentally forgot to book the hotel for the NIGHT HE ARRIVED and asked if he could stay with us just last night. Hubby said yes. I prepared myself for the extreme dislike I felt for this person and agreed…until I realized I would have to spend the morning alone with him since Hubby goes to work so early. Then he called and said he was picking up his 2-year old daughter and bringing her too. WHAT? Me thinks? She has nowhere to sleep either! Leave your kid with her mom so she has a bed to sleep in and pick her up in the morning! At that point, I packed up the kids and was leaving for my In-Laws home…citing the excuse that now this guy would have a place for his daughter to sleep…on my daughter’s bed. Hubby had serious guilt and said he’d call his friend and tell him not to come, but I didn’t want to put Hubby in an awkward position with his friend so I said goodbye, packed the kids in the car while Hubby stood looking incredulous. Then I broke down and told him why I disliked his pal so much…emotions that surprised me as well: The first time I met the friend we were in a big group of people I had never met and I basically went from person to person introducing myself and shaking hands. When I got to JerkFace, I held out my hand, he looked down at it with his hands still in his pocket, gave me a crusty, and turned around to talk to someone else. I stood there for a minute not willing to believe that had just happened. During dinner while inserting my wit and charm into the conversation, he repeatedly looked at me, despite having just addressed a question or comment to the table, as if I, a woman, should not be allowed to open my mouth unless it was to say, “Dinner’s ready,” or “Here are your freshly darned socks dear.” Instances like this happened every frackin’ time we got together with this group. I mentioned it to my husband a couple of times, but it always ended with the relief that he lived out of state and we wouldn’t have to see him much. When he called us and said he was getting divorced, I could barely act surprised. The more I found out about the behind-the-scenes JerkFace, I couldn’t hardly blame his poor wife.
Cut to last night, I left and told Hubby to make sure to tell JerkFace that he needed to be out of our house at a decent time this morning. I hung around at the In-Laws until 10:00am and figured he would be gone. Alas. He wasn’t. I didn’t want to see his face or say something to embarrass Hubby or myself so I parked around the corner and waited for him to leave. I called Hubby after 15 minutes and said he needed to call JerkFace and tell him to leave. Hubby called me back and said that his friend was on his way out and would be gone in 5 minutes. I entertained the girls in the car around the corner FROM MY OWN HOUSE until ELEVEN O’CLOCK when he finally decided to get the hank out of my house. Flustered, I hurried inside and went to jump in the shower so I could go to lunch with one of my friends. As I was hurrying along with normal shower routines, I noticed that my favorite body wash was gone…my brand new body wash Peppermint Menthol yummy stuff. I figured that Hubby had used it and taken it downstairs on accident or something. When I got out of the shower, and was getting dressed, I noticed that the hat I keep on my dresser full of spare change was moved…and all the spare change was gone except for a $1 bill and some pennies. No freakin’ way. I called my husband and asked if he had either A. Used my body wash and/or B. Take some spare change. He answered in the negative to BOTH questions and after searching my house for missing spare change and Body Wash with legs, made the startling conclusion that JerkFace had CLEPTO-ED my BODY WASH and MY SPARE CHANGE. Who does that??? And now the straw that broke the camel’s back? The girls came upstairs, rather disappointed because their desk, drawers, doll crib, and air purifier were covered in diaper rash cream and a bunch of pictures they had colored lay ripped to shreds all over their room and in the hallway. I understand that kids are kids. But I also understand that if you are staying at someone’s home and your kid smears diaper rash cream all over someone else’s stuff that you should probably clean it up. And even if your 2 year-old does rip up all of their guests special drawings, the least you could do is throw the shredded pieces away so the kids don’t notice when they get home.

FURTHERMORE, I know that JerkFace’s now ex-wife has read the blog a time or two…so M.G. if you’re reading this now, YOU GO GIRL!